Twi-Bored….

(SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t read Breaking Dawn yet, don’t read this post.)

Is anyone else feeling totally Twi-bored? Seriously. This lag time between New Moon and Eclipse is a killer. Sure, we have the DVD to look forward to (in March? Please?), but outside of that, all we have is a slew of rumors about the future of Breaking Dawn.

Here’s our deal on Breaking Dawn: Why does it have to be so darn tough? Firstly, make it into two movies. Come on. If you can end New Moon with the up-in-the-air (no Anna Kendrick pun intended) moment, let me paint you a picture of the final scene in Breaking Dawn I: Bella goes into labor, we use camera angles to avoid the necessity of some kind of creepy horror movie baby coming out of her body. (We know KStew is awesome at the screaming in agony thing, let’s play it up. Give the gal her time to shine!) This allows the producers time to include the honeymoon (see next paragraph), the pregnancy and Jacob’s side of the story all in one convenient 2 hour and 20 minute package. Easy peasy.

As for the honeymoon. We’re gonna go ahead and call in a favor from Summit right now. We figure they owe us for all the money we’ve put in their pockets. (Not to mention the great ideas!) Please make Breaking Dawn I and II rated-R. We know what you’re thinking: but what about the tweens? Know what we say? Screw the tweens! They’ll sneak in! That’s what they like to do anyway! We need some seriously hot and heavy pillow-biting scenes. Not to mention, the vampire sex scene in what will become Breaking Dawn II. Don’t you DARE take that from me. DON’T. YOU. DARE. Seriously, it needs to be full-on hot and heavy vampire sex. And if it’s not, I’ll throw my shoe. Seriously. I will. Maybe both.

The final scene of the film will be Edward injecting the venom into Bella’s lifeless body and looking exhausted and frightened. Maybe we close on the sound of a crying baby. (I’m pretty good at this, huh? I was a film major.)

We open Breaking Dawn II as Bella is waking up and seeing the world as a vampire for the first time. This also gives us additional time to work out the CG nightmare that is Nessie. How would I handle Nessie? Glad you asked.

In the beginning, we get cute babies/toddlers (think Olsens, but cuter) to play baby Nessie. All the child has to know how to do is put her hand on people’s faces. That’s way easier than what they do with those talking babies on the E*Trade commercials! Then, as Nessie gets older, hire a precocious 6- or 7-year-old to play her. It’s been done. Look at Dakota Fanning…how do you think she got her start? (Note to producers: do NOT cast Noah Cyrus. I will not allow a Cyrus to ruin the franchise.) No crazy CG necessary. Just a little bit of movie magic and camera trickery. And if you do need CG, hire the guys who did the E*Trade commercials. Or the Evian ads with the skating babies!

All of this back and forth with will they or won’t they be able to make the film, one movie, two movies, blah blah blah…it’s unnecessary. And it’s taking time away from what I really want to be doing: repeatedly playing the New Moon Drinking Game, analyzing any and all possible Robsten sightings (PS did you guys see THIS?? I can’t imagine it’s anything other than a real-life Robsten sighting! Look at her hair!!), and counting down the days ’till Eclipse.

Ok, Summit, there you have it. Problems solved. Get to work. I don’t want this kind of lag time between Eclipse and BDI (and seriously, how awesome does that look on a poster?). Oh, and BTW, you’re welcome.